How do you move forward when you don’t even understand where you are? How do you know what goals are possible when you don’t know what you can do today let alone tomorrow? How do you find value when everything you thought defined you has changed? It isn’t easy, but it can be done… But again, I ask how?
These thoughts have been circling my mind for the past few months. I have great days when I can calm my mind and just allow life to happen and see every moment as a blessing. Then I have days where I feel lost. I feel such a large part of me is missing…I feel hollow, I feel like I am not contributing, I feel that I am non-essential. In those moments I turn to prayer. I thank the Lord for the blessings He has given me, I thank Him for the time He has given me, and I ask Him to guide me, and I ask Him to use me for His plans.
I know everyone worldwide has felt a sense of unknowing over the past few months. I am grateful because I feel I am truly in the place and situation that is best for me and my family. Yes, I may feel a little unsure at times, but not due to a lack of faith, but due to a new schedule, a new set of expectations, a new life that I never imagined and am still trying to process.
I have always had daily, monthly, quarterly, and yearly goals…I am the person that had a goal for 5 years, 10 years, and 25 years out, and I checked in and realigned with them often. And yes, as I matured, so did some of the goals and timelines, but still there was always a plan, always something to work toward.
When everything hit in March, I still had a plan. I was going to focus on my art and my children. I was going to slowly remove them from school and then give them a true summer which included trips and learning. Before day one those plans were completely changed. My children were home and I was a teacher–I stepped up to the challenge and our home became a classroom. And we counted down the days until “school” ended so we could start our adventures… then we counted down June for businesses would reopen…then we counted down until school resumed because we hoped somewhere during the count down Blanchard Springs Caverns and other activities in the state would open. Nothing happened as we expected. The caves never opened. Once campgrounds opened, we were able to schedule one 2 day camp trip, but after that everything was booked…so again we were home waiting.
We’ve continued learning and focusing on preparing them for the next school year. Since March my oldest has been to Hobby Lobby one time (to get mask making material while wearing a mask), we have been camping once, this past weekend they went to Academy Sports hoping to find a bike (nope, have been sold out all summer), and then have been to their school open house. When I think of how their life changed, it makes me realize that I am not the only one going stir crazy, that their life has changed dramatically as well. They don’t have phones, they don’t talk to friends, they don’t go out…and they are thriving. So apparently, even when I feel without direction, I must be doing something right because I am giving them the direction they need to feel whole.
I laugh at times when someone asks me my plans. I am home, unemployed, not painting much, and I am sure it appears that I am on vacation, but that is far from the truth. I am trying to make goals, trying to find employment opportunities, taking a class online, trying to find investment opportunities, etc. In all of that, I still find myself sitting back and wondering “when?”
Schools have been discussing reopening plans for a few weeks. I knew better than taking those plans as truths because they are bound to change. The start date has been pushed back, but what happens if after two weeks they announce again that schools are going to be closing? What then? Do we start all over? And if I found a new position, then do I work for 2 weeks just to say that I needed to work from home? Or I appear to be a flake or unreliable, just to be unemployed due to circumstances again.
Its at those moments, when the questions start swirling around my head that I take a deep breath, and I pray. I pray hard. I pray for God to please guide me. I take a breath and I focus on my “knowns.” I know me–no matter the position, no matter the fight I am–courageous, steadfast, truthful, a warrior, humble, logical, resourceful, but most of all…
I am a Christian, a lover of the Lord and seeking His truth above all else.
I am a wife who loves her husband and will do whatever necessary to support him and make decisions as a team.
I am a persistent mother who is teaching her children to love the Lord, love their family, and love themselves.
Who I am to the core will never change based on circumstances. So when you pull off titles of positions, normalcy of schedules, and everything else that is “worldly” I am still the very same person and my three focuses will never change…And if life crumbles around me and I lose everyone that I love, then I still know what is left when all has been stripped away… I am a lover of the Lord, Jesus Christ, Lord of Lords and King of Kings. And that will never change.
So when I start allowing my mind to take over and questions my next move, my next decision… Everything will always go back to who I am as a Christian. And based on His teachings, I will know how to act so that I am performing as a good wife and mother. When I simplify it down to that, I realize that everything else takes care of itself.
Seek God’s will in all things. Glorify Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. LOVE HIM.
Here is the thing–it isn’t just loving Him. It is seeking Him. He sent us a letter that tells us everything that we need to know. Have you read it? I have tried for years and years to read it and understand it. And I always knew I was falling short. These past few months have allowed me to find a great teacher, Dr. Arnold Murray, who goes through book by book, chapter by chapter, verse by versus. He brings in the concordance to help explain words that don’t quite translate correctly, and takes back the Hebrew manuscripts for clarified understanding. My faith has never been a question, but now I finally feel I have the education from studying His word with a knowledgeable teacher to back it up.
I truly believe that the Lord blessed me by breaking my heart and creating a situation where my job to no longer be an option. He made me feel at peace when everything was out of my control. He made me feel valued when my children needed me home. He made me realize that my marriage needed my focus so we could endure the stress of change and focus on our responsibilities withing our family without the additional stress caused by focusing on responsibilities and turmoil of a job. MOST OF ALL– I feel that He gave me this time to focus on studying His word so I better understood what we are facing today. It isn’t democrats versus republicans, it isn’t the US against China, it isn’t race versus law enforcement, it isn’t man versus woman…. It is GOOD versus EVIL. PERIOD. And when we realize that, then we need to stop allowing it to divide us and making us weaker. We are stronger united. And today we NEED to be UNITED against evil. We NEED the ARMOR of GOD.
How will I move forward?
By trusting in the Lord, Jesus Christ. By studying his word. By knowing that in the end He wins. And when I say the end, I mean AFTER the false one comes in pretending to be Him, leading so many astray. THEN JESUS RETURNS and WINS. READ IT, it is all there. Don’t trust the word of man (not a preacher, not a grandparent, for sure not me), read it for YOURSELF. Revelations, Ezekiel, Daniel, Mathew, Mark, Luke, its in there multiple times to be a second witness to the message so you know for certain what you are being told.
At the end of the day whether it be work, home, life we are all accountable for our own actions, our own education, and our decisions. Simplifying it down to this alone is how I move forward.
Art by Jesica 